where am i, and how did i get here?

My life lately has been in a state of upheaval, and it’s made me think about a lot of things. With many of my friends I’ve had conversations about faith and God and happiness, and I’ve always been open minded about different people’s opinions. But I realize that I don’t really have a solid opinion on the matter myself. I dabbled in atheism, but believing in nothing is crushingly lonely for me. I believe in a higher power, but organized religion, going to church, etc. doesn’t really work for me. I do believe that we humans are all connected to each other and to something greater than us. But the thing that I’ve been wondering about today is whether or not that higher power is something that guides us. When I’ve gone through hard times in the past I’ve relied on this mantra: everything is unfolding perfectly. In the past, it’s helped me remain optimistic. It’s reminded me to learn from difficult situations, and find peace within myself when there is none around me. But lately I’m just starting to wonder what that really means.

I’ve made a huge life change by moving to Florida. I left the northeast – my familiar, warm bubble – where my closest friends are. I truly felt that moving to Florida was the “right” thing to do. When I moved here everything happened really easily – I found great friends, a job, a band. The contrast between how difficult it was to establish a life in New York and establish one here is startling. And I guess the fact that it was so easy to get started here has made me feel impatient for more things to happen, but I have to remember that I’ve only been here 2.5 months. So, is everything unfolding perfectly? The thing is that I don’t feel satisfied, and some of the things I have are things that I don’t really want, and I’m plagued by this fear that I will succumb to complacency with my job the way I did in NYC and 2 years will go by, hardly noticed, and I’ll be in the same cubicle, still pining for something more. I wish I knew where I was going, and what exactly IS unfolding, if in fact it is unfolding perfectly. I don’t feel like I’m being guided by anything larger than me, and often I feel completely lost and uncertain.

Today I was reading an old friend’s blog, and he was writing about his life, and he had this period of time where several areas of his life bloomed simultaneously. He got engaged, found a perfect job in a city where he wants to live, and discovered that his fiancé could be employed by the same school. That to me is everything unfolding perfectly. It gives me hope that that all happened to him. That he struggled, and was uncertain, but that there was this final release where everything just fell into place. I know that’s not the end of the story, but I still sometimes wish for my own happily ever after.